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| Chillin' in the Squamish Valley river at Bass Coast |
OH YES MY FRIENDS, it's that time of year again. I still sometimes tend to go on and on about the near
culture-shock I suffered upon my transition from the ghetto Manitoba
flatlands to the
organic-eating-MEC-wearing-non-smoking-bicycle-luvin’ Coast, but
let me tell you, NOTHING could have prepared me for my initial foray
into the unparalleled West Coast phenomenon of “big electronic
music party in the forest”. So in honour of 9 years passing since
my first
Shambhala
and in honour of the FUCKING EXCELLENT
BassCoast Project (which is gonna be so so so amazing), I've
updated my
Winnipegger’s Guide to Shambhala, or as it will
now be called, “
The Crystal Precious Winnipegger's (or First
Timer's) Guide to Festival Raving”.
I’m genuinely
excited for you to have an amazing and hopefully enlightening weekend
that you’ll never forget. Cause trust me, the first time I hit
Shambhala (the mecca of all Canadian raves) I sure as fuck did. And
you have NO idea how clueless I was. Oh geez…
Cue 2003. I
ran in head first thinking, "Hey, it’s not like I’m
completely hopeless… I HAVE been to the Winnipeg Folk Festival",
and THAT, as all prairie folk will know, is a pretty impressive
outdoor music party. Well, LISTEN THE FUCK UP: this is NOT Folk Fest,
bitches. Do not increase your chances of experiencing the awful FOMO
(fear-of-missing-out due to lack of preparation). Don't forget that
you're spending your precious dollars, time off and serotonin on
this. Let me be the sorry ass-bitch that learned the hard way for
both of us. Here are the most important things to remember if you’re
headin’ out to a multi-day electronic music fest..
1)
THERE ARE NO FIRES. This is the biggest difference from Wpg Folk
Fest and a glaringly absent part of the camping experience.
Apparently the people in this province actually care if everything
around them burns down where as in Manitoba people purposely burn
shit down all the time. But for real, there will not be any fires
anywhere… so that means you will need LIGHT & HEAT. Bring LIGHT
FOR YOUR CAMP (a flashlight, heandlamp, LED’s or a LANTERN), your
personal flashlight so you don't fall into a giant hole to your waist
like Cara did one time (SO ALARMING). Make sure someone in your crew
has a CAMP STOVE if you’re wanting to cook shiz. And remember you
won't have the heat of the fire. So bring warm clothes ....
because...
2) It gets FUCKING COLD at night. Cold is
something we Wpggers know about and we laugh maniacally at the idea
that it gets uncomfortably cold anywhere in BC in the summer, but
TRUST ME, it does. I brought about 10 000 bikinis the first year and
one sweater… DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE!!!! Bring long pants, long
underwear, SWEATERS/HOODIES, little mitties even (for real) and lots
of shiz to sleep in. You will be cold. Honest. And I'm not some BC
wimp either. .. no offense.
I absolutely recommend bringing
straight-up sheets & a comforter instead of a sleeping bag. If
you use the comforter/blanket to line the backseat of your vehicle it
doesn't really take up much more room... and it's just better. Then
you can toss off the comforter as the sun comes up and things get hot
in your tent. It's also much nicer for guest action or snugs (raver
lingo for platonic post-party snuggling). If things get damp
overnight you can it hang it to dry during the day. Also a pillow is
key. Your bunched up hoodie with the beer spill on it just won't
compare, trust me, it's worth the packing room, And I personally
recommend a foamie mattress as a first option, but if that's not
plausible do the air mattress. I tend to find air mattresses will eventually deflate a bit no matter how diligent you
are. I bought myself the $20 power pump so I just pump it up a bit
each night. Worth every effin' penny. Either way, a little layer of
air between you and the earth somehow keeps things that much
toastier.
It’s SO worth it to have a $5 tarp to lay under
your tent so that if it rains, you're doubly sure it won't soak
through the floor of your tent, which is SUPER low-sass because it
makes things damp and yucky. You should probably be able to get all
this stuff into one Rubbermaid stacker. I pretty much pack all my
stuff into Rubbermaids (REAL Rubbermaid Roughnecks that last forever,
not the cleap plastic crappy ones that crack): one for my tent, tarps
& bedding; one for my dry foods, mix and dishes, and oh, say,
seven or eight for my outfits & accessories. I'm super dead
serious. I need choice ummmkayyyy.
Speaking of outfits: while
you're in the dance-y areas and busting a move, things can get a bit
warmer, although these moments are fleeting. But awesome dance
outfits are usual small and/or tight (at least for me they are)...
and rocking them with huge sweaters over them is akin to Winnipeg
Hallowe'en where your mom forces you to wear your snowsuit OVER your
costume to go trick-or-treating (big sadface). One thing the Sweet
Soul grrlz have been known to do is wear our sparkly show-girl
outfits underneath big fuzzy cloaks. Dancing our asses off moments:
showgirl outfits. Walking from stage to stage moments: fuzzy cloaks.
Another option is to add leggings and shrugs to whatever small
outfit. Also just the act of covering your head with a fuzzy hat &
keeping your feet dry (more on that in a sec) somehow makes the rest
of you feel warmer automatically.
If you plan on being
somewhere for awhile, you can set up a home base at the outskirts of
say, the beachstage, with a blanket on which you can leave your
drink, water & extra layers. Just make sure it's in sight and
don't leave your moneybelt or fanny there, obvs.
In general
everyone should generally be on the lookout for each other… because
a huge part of this whole movement is mutual respect for other people
& their shit. Thieving is SUPER SUPER looked down upon (I know I
don't have to say that but I will anyway) and if you find something
you can turn it in or leave a note on the msg board. Karma reigns
supreme here.
3) KEEP YOUR FEET HAPPY. Remember
that part in Forrest Gump where Lt. Dan starts screaming at everyone
about how their socks and feet need to stay dry in the jungle to
survive? Well it's the exact same thing, except by "Lt Dan"
I mean ME, by "jungle" I mean RAVE & by "survive"
I mean NOT BECOME HORRIBLY MISERABLE.
The sites are quite
large; you’ll do a LOT of walking, more than you realize, and
dancing on the roots / dirt and the uneven ground can be hard on your
feet. Ok so I brought heels the first year. Shut up. I’m Crystal
fucking Precious, dammit. I wear heels to the fucking beach. But for
real, even if your footwear are SUPER durable and rugged, they will
get werked. So don't bring the super fresh shiny kicks you use as a
backup mirror. And while we're talking sneakers I would also
recommend bringing something other than Chucks as they are made out
of canvas and will somehow soak through easily in the morning
dampness. AGAIN: Don’t bring shoes you really like unless they’re
hella heavy duty leather boots or something. Every year I sacrifice a
pair of almost dead sneakers to the rave gods and then throw them out
after.
BRING A PAIR OF RAINBOOTS (and while you're at it, AT
LEAST one waterproof jacket / clothing item). The weather forecast
might say it won’t rain but.... it might. If it rains, the forest
paths become GIANT mud puddles and I lost a pair of sneakers in one
the first year I went. They sank in the mud faster than Atrayu’s
horse. It was a sad, sad moment for me. DON'T LET THEIR DEATH BE IN
VAIN.
So yeah, I generally would say your basic footwear
set-up should be as follows: dancing sneakers, flipflops, rubber
boots & lots of dry, clean socks. A tip from Tre, king of the
original Camp Fuckr'd pirates: Wanna be a hero? Spend a few bucks on
a big bag of new socks and bust that shit out for everybody on Day 3.
Putting brand new, fuzzy, never before-worn socks on the third day
feels like a frickin' foot blowjob. Ohhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhh.
4)
It gets FUCKING HOT during the day. Like, itty bitty teeny weeny
bikini bottoms only hot. Bring a shade structure for your camp or you
will DIE / get no sleep. At BassCoast there are many many sweet-ass
tree-covered camping spots to enjoy if you get there on Friday... but
at Shambhala you will most likely end up in the massive NO SHADE
camping grounds (unless you're bombing in there Braveheart style on
Tuesday & paying extra). Either way, the white caravan style pop
up tent is ideal, or the more ghetto fabulous version, a giant tarp
tied to bamboo poles and then to your vehicle (bamboo is very
inexpensive, I suggest Home Hardware on the Drive or pretty much
anywhere in ChinaTown... just sharpen up one end and stick 'em in the
dirt). Don't forget garbage bags & a bag for recycling to hang
somewhere. For butts, small Tylenol travel tubes do the trick. Make
sure to peer pressure your friends not to throw their butts, or any
litter, on the ground. A disapproving look should suffice. If not
don't be afraid to point a Finger of Judgement at them.
There
is a river of refreshing goodness in which to bathe & swim, &
the best is bringing a camping chair and sitting in the rivah
drinking out of your bottled beverage with lots of sunscreen on. And
a parasole. And a cabana boy. Maybe two.
5) DON'T
BECOME DEAF. Ever noticed that after festival season people are
screaming normal conversations at each other? "HI HOW ARE
YOU!????!!!!" "GREAT!!! YOU??!!!" Yeah... that's
because they're deaf now. The sound at these festivals is state of
the art, but it WILL destroy your hearing FOREVER if you aren't
careful. And the music doesn't stop for four days. So bring earplugs
and then bring more earplugs. Let me put this into perspective: the
system at the Commodore is like 12000 watts. The PK system in the
Village is apparently approx. 100 000 watts, or EIGHT times louder
than that. And that's just one stage. Your human ear drums just can't
compete with that. They will melt. DON'T BE A DAY-SCREAMER. Get
plugs.
You may have noticed that orange / yellow & pink
foam earplugs sort of muffle sound and can fall out and generally
suck. Yeah, I noticed that too. They are still always better than
nothing. The GOOD thing about foam pluggies is that they are
comfortable, cheap and plentiful, so using them when you're sleeping
is ideal (don't forget when you’re setting up camp to check if that
structure nearby is the trance stage. This seriously happened to me
the first year… can’t really talk about it still).
However,
if you are feeling like foam plugs are fucking with your ability to
hear music properly I would invest in a pair of Ear Buddies
(available at all Puff locations). They are about $25 - $30. They
just seem to turn everything down a little without muffling things
too much. If you feel like the ol' foam plugs aren't gonna do it for
you, do this, cuz for real, your hearing is worth $25 for eff's sake.
Don't worry, I promise that you will still be able to "feel"
the bass (especially if you are on awesome MDMA).
ALSO: I'm
sure that there are some rare exceptions, but in general it seems
that people tend to NOT enjoy amplified music, instruments or
megaphones early morning in the campground. I mean, obviously people
are still going to be up and partying in the morning, but blasting
your favourite bro-step banger out the back of your car is sure to
get you more dirty looks than throwing a Styrofoam cup in the river
(uhhh... prolly don’t do that either). But for real. EARPHONES. And
I still laugh my ass off when I remember a certain DJ, having
traveled for about three days and then staying up all night to play,
finally found somewhere reasonably quiet to crash, only to have
someone set up a djembe near his tent and start hammering on it SUPER
HARD at about 8am...off rhythm. For eff's sake hippie-ahh!!! Drum
near the river away from tents at that hour!!! I know you’re
contributing your inner rhythm and shit, that's cool, whatever.. but
for the LOVE of SASS, pick your moments. Ummkayyy?
6) GET
YOUR BOOZE IN. Officially the events are usually “booze free”
and the gate will search you upon arrival, ummmkay??? And they will. Trust me. So. Be creative. Bring a tinted, lidded reusable bottle
(like the canteen types at MEC) if you want to carry around your
beverage as YOU CANNOT drink out of your beer cans / bottles openly
ANYWHERE. Security is obligated to dump your booze if they see it,
but generally they’ll leave you alone if you’re simply enjoying
an unidentifiable beverage in a reusable container. The security
works hard enough as it is so take the extra step and don’t make
them booze police you, it sucks for them and plus, booze is precious
cuz going for a beer run is kind of not really an option… it’s
super hard / sometimes impossible to get out of the site once you’ve
driven in and are parked. Totes not worth the risk having it dumped
out. You'll thank me on Sunday ;)
How much booze should you
bring? The general consensus on this formula is to estimate the
amount of booze you think you'll be able to drink during the weekend,
then double it. Trust me on this. I have no idea why the amount of
booze you are able to consume somehow doubles... I think it has to do
with being awake for most of the weekend and you being outside all
the time. But it really does happen. Don’t skimp on this because
you don’t want to be sober on the last day of the event, trust me,
it’s depressing enough as it is.
One thing a few of my
friends & I been doing the last few years is pre-mixing booze
with juice / cocktail bases and then just adding soda or pop on the
site. Ex: fill a large jug of cranberry juice with one part vodka, 2
parts cran, reseal and smuggle in. Then just top it off with soda in
your cup on site. This is an awesome way to do things for the
following 2 reasons: 1) Easier to sneak in booze - no alcohol
bottles! 2) Your booze-juice ration remains consistent. Ever notice
how at the beginning of the night you pour a proper drink, but
somehow near the end of the night you're pouring gasoline-strength
nearly straight booze shit-mixes, only to realize that it tastes like
poison and then randomly leaving it somewhere? Yeah me too. Trust me,
having it at least pre-mixed with juice tends to make your booze LAST
LONGER. Obviously don't pre-mix with the pop as it will go flat; add
it on site with a fresh lime... and.. ahhh!
Also: grab block
ice for your food/beer cooler, not bags of ice cubes, as the blocks
melt more slowly. Also in your food cooler, put things in tupperware
containers & ziplocs, not plastic bags, if you want them to stay
dry. Keep your coolers COMPLETELY CLOSED & out of the sun, and
you should be golden. You can even reuse individual plastic water /
drink bottles by putting pre-mixed drinks into them and FREEZING
them... then throw those into your cooler - alcoholic Ice Packs.
YUM!! Extreme Dedicated Raver Tip: A $40 converter for your vehicle
turns into electricity for your blender. Yeah, you’ll have to start
the car for a few seconds while you blend, but if it means slushie
Margarita’s, ummm, WHO GIVES A FUCK. Just don’t go buck crazy and
kill your battery by accident. This will require extra ice cubes but
oh, will you be SO SO SO popular. OH SO popular. Especially with me.
Heh heh heh.
7) TRY TO AVOID THE TEMPTING FALL-BACK
THAT YOU’LL BUY THINGS WHEN YOU GET THERE. Smokes and
essentials will be mad expensive, so take a sec and pack it. There
are rad things to eat there at the vendors, but peeps usually pay top
dollar to get into the vending area so they will have to charge
accordingly.
If you smoke, the same booze formula applies:
Normal estimated amount X 2. I seriously advise on considering DRUM
and rolling papers. Yeah if you’re not used to it it can seem messy
and ghetto, but the tobacco is fresher, less additives, and you’ll
probably tend to smoke less, which in Raver math is still more than
usual but just maybe not double. Your lungs will thank you on Sunday.
Also you will be more inclined to share smokes, and there’s nothing
like sitting with someone for a sec to roll both of you a smoke.
Perfect visit / get-to-know-you moment and you will be someone’s
nic-fit hero... a nice feeling. If you must do tailor-mades, bring a
carton and hide half the packs from yourself until you go through the
first half. If you don’t smoke them all (you probably will but
whateves) you will still smoke them eventually. DON’T fall into the
all-too-tempting bullshit trap of packing less than you need and
thinking that you will ration them out. You won’t. Remember: you
will probably forget your own name at some point. So be prepared.
Trust me.
(FYI,
if packing stresses you out or you don't know where to start, click
here for a downloadable, ammendable, printable Word-doc version of my
basic packing list).
8) THERE IS NO CELL PHONE
COVERAGE, SO PREPARE TO LOSE YOUR FRIENDS. Which is fine, just
plan ahead “in case of separation” or accept it and enjoy
exploring on your own. I recommend dress-ups. It’s like SOO way
easier to meet people & find your friends, and also I’m MUCH
more likely to make-out with you.
At your camp, and during the
day at the beach, bring a tall land-marker and dig that into the
ground on another piece of bamboo so your crew can find you easily. I
recommend something that is symbolic to you or perhaps pokes fun at
something about your crew and is hilarious. That way when Sleepy
Gonzales wakes up at 4pm or wanders back to camp, he sees the
landmarker's gone and he can easily saunter to the beach stage with
one eye open and see you guys.
9) ENJOY THE FOLLOWING
AMENITIES: distinct LACK of MOSQUITOES (!!!!!), water (bring
bottles!), organic / vegan food vendors, coffee vendors in the
morning, the lovely rivah, medical tent, etc. etc. DID I MENTION lack
of mosquitoes. Pretty rad. There's
still a couple. but it's
NOTHING compared to the shit we've dealt with in the
Peg.
Particularly for BassCoast, there likely will only be one
cash machine, so try to BRING ENOUGH CASH for party favours / meals /
vending items and stash it somewhere NOT obvious / lock it in your
vehicle. There is a couple cash machines at Shambs but unfortunately
the line-ups can be RIDICULOUS and the fees... eff. Just bring some
damn money.
OH YEAH - Bring an awesome thing to BUST out to
your crew when they least expect it, or something rad for your camp
to enjoy. I know one couple that always bring their dope hooka, and
someone else who was thinking of freezing hankerchiefs into cubes to
pass out on a hot afternoon. I’ve seen someone melt dark chocolate
onto strawberries, someone else bust out fresh mint and lime for
mojitos. I personally playing impromptu games of dressup with my
eight tubs of costumes (see???? That shit comes in handy!!!) Even a
secret bottle of whiskey tucked away for those impromptu shots that
just hit the spot… ohhhh yeahhhh. The Glenlivet, I'm telling you.
I'll be your friend.
10) A VERY simple list of the
basic DO'S AND DON'T OF BEING FUCKED UP.
Thanks to Sven &
all the other peeps who contributed to this. To be clear, I am not
claiming this to be the be-all end-all gospel of etiquette. Most of
this is all common sense shit, but you know, people lose their heads
a bit at festivals & forget, and I find sometimes it's good to just say this shit to yourself again. So if I'm saying something that seems obvious, don't be
offended, ok? Cuz it wasn't all necessarily obvious to me when I started out, as you will read ;) Ok. Here
goes:
- DON'T get so wasted your friends have to take care of
you.
- If you're gonna get that wasted, DO make sure you're
with friends who actually will take care of you.
- Remember
that MDMA, MDA, ketamine, cocaine, meth/speed & even heroin (it's
out there) are ALL powders. I don't want to talk about how many times
close friends have assumed what they were about to swallow or snort
was something completely different than what it actually was. BAD
RACCOON. Better to know than to end up accidentally doing a huge rail
of ketamine thinking it was blow (a common mistake) or worse, ending
up on super knarly PCP. It's happened. To me. Seriously. Not the
funnest. ASK.
Oh yeah, this goes for liquids too, even something that appears to be water. Never hurts to just quickly say, "this is just water yeah?" or whatever, seriously, that one little sentence can save your ass and you won't offend anyone. I remember one year when a Sweet Soul dancer who will go unnamed (*cough rhymes with MARA) ended up getting unknowingly dosed on 2CB that was in a big 4 L jug of what
looked like water being passed around. When I found her she announced that she was in a vortex. 100% completely true story. It wasn't ideal. ASK. (she was completely ok in the end but she did give me a bit of a scare, not goin' lie).
- Again, seems obvious as hell, but people
still do this: get drugs you are suspicious of tested at the drug
testing site (they won't judge you or take them away). Sure, gelcaps
or pressed pills are likely to be E, but they could also be 2CB, 2TB,
foxy, oxy, PCP or a billion other things that could fuck with your
head. Shit happens, I've seen it. ASK or FIND OUT FOR SURE.
-
DON'T mix booze & GHB. Seriously. (Seriously).
- DO label
your GHB and don't leave it lying around for eff's sake. We all have
that friend who accidentally had a big chug and missed the whole
party. Just take 2 seconds to scrawl "g" on your bottle so
that person doesn't hate you. Thanks.
- DO be very careful if
you choose to mix booze & ketamine (they both slow your heart
rate down & booze will seriously increase the effect of
ketamine).
- DO find the first aid tent if you need to. NO
SHAME IN THAT. Ever.
- Here's one that doesn't get said
enough these days around hooking up: If the
person's SUPER fucked up & you can tell that they're maybe not
thinking clearly, not a bad idea to hold off until they
are more lucid and in a better position to get into positions. Ya
know?? It's respect. Really hoping to get to a place where all sex at these festivals - and on planet earth in general - is completely consensual. Blurry lines = not kablammo
- DO drink water ALL DAY LONG, no matter
what you're doing. ALL FUCKING DAY LONG.
- DO drink coconut water to replace electrolytes every day or
Emergen-C to also give your immune
system a boost.
- DON'T forget to eat. Doesn't have to be a
lot but it NEEDS TO BE SOMETHING, otherwise you WILL fade, no matter
what. I normally can't eat a lot when I'm partying but I do try to
have one good, hot meal a day and then snack the rest of the time.
Protein, slow burn carbs & some green shit. BAM. Done. Some
suggestions: Tuna snacks on crackers, a whole-grain bagel w cream
cheese or avocado, pre-cut veggies & bean dip, a wrap from the
food vendor area... all simple. For beach snacking, bring berries or
bust out a melon or pineapple to cut up for a quick hydrating snack
to share. Rice chips or Crispy mini brown-rice cakes are rad beach
snacks as well. ALSO: Chia seeds are my secret rave fuel. Seriously,
those little fuckers are made of unicorn meat. (Fuck I'm such a
hippie now).
- DO PREPARE FOR POST-PARTY DEPRESSION. This is
based on an ACTUAL letter I sent to a friend and to myself upon our
return to the city last year.... because even though I do this year
after year, I STILL sometimes forget why I'm just so GRUMPY and MOODY
the next week. Do yourself a favour... print out this letter, fill in
the date and blank with your name, and send it to yourself in the
mail the day before you leave for your festival or stick it to your
fridge with the heading ** FOR NEXT WEEK
***
****************************************
Date:
__________
Dear __(YOUR NAME)___________________,
Just
a friendly reminder from your fabulous, sexy, clever & clearly
VERY modest friend Crystal Precious that any awful, sickening
feelings of horrible depression you may currently be experiencing are
simply the after-effects of doing hugely unreasonable amounts of
drugs this weekend. That's right, it's not you... it's Suicide
Wednesday.
Ah yes, those feelings of hopelessness and
physical weakness typical of extreme serotonin shortage can often
seem all too real... so please, remember that beneath the cold
sweats, shakes & twitches that a fabulous, kind, considerate and
un-nauseous person waits to emerge with renewed perspective &
strength. Make sure to resist any urges to hate yourself for the
terrible abuse to which you have subjected your body. It was like,
totally worth it. And no matter what, have some mini-donuts or
otherwise sweet/greasy food-item on hand at ALL TIMES.
Should
this reminder be premature or even (skeptical brow furrow) UNNEEDED,
kindly disregard or forward for future use. Or perhaps just send back
to me. I’ll probably need it.
xoxo
CP
**********************************
On
that tip: avoid making any serious decisions or fighting with your
spouse / boss / roommate upon return. If anyone says “We need to
talk”, just straight-up fucking run. Once you are far, FAR away,
re-schedule the talk for another week when your brain has regenerated
some happy juice.
Ok! YOUNG RAVE GRASSHOPPAS.... I
think that just about covers what I have to contribute. Please feel
free to send this to anyone and everyone and ask them to do the same.
And for eff’s sake, come watch me perform Friday at BassCoast with
the Sweet Soul girls at 9:30 on the Bassment stage. Sweet Soul
Burlesque’s show at Shambhala will be at the Rock Pit on Sunday at
9:30 as well (yahhh sunset hotness!!)
It’s ON.
Lashes
n' lix n' glowy bright stix..
Xxo
CP
